Not Reading Minds
There’s this quote by Mark Twain I keep coming back to:
“I've had a lot of worries in my life, most of which never happened.”
So much of what weighs us down lives only in our heads. We overthink, imagine, assume - and most of it? Never actually happens. The same is true for our relationships.
The countless conversations with other people, family, work, friends that never happen. We often confuse them with the real deal, allowing it to color relationships in our real lives.
My life changed dramatically, when I stopped feeding the relationship-in-my-head and started leaning into the real one.
When I stopped assuming.
When I stopped rehearsing endless invisible conversations with people who weren’t even in the room.
Most of what we assume about other people’s inner world is off - sometimes completely off.
And yet, we act on those stories like they’re facts of physics.
We tell ourselves we “know” what someone meant, what they feel, what they really think about us.
Worse, we act on that version as if it’s the truth - and we forget to ask.
There’s a word I love: sonder.
"The sudden realization that every person you see has a life as vivid and complex as your own."
That person at work whose tone seemed cold? The one who looked away in the meeting?
You might be telling yourself they don’t like you. Don’t respect you. Want you out.
But maybe…
They’re battling a migraine. Or caring for a sick parent. Or maybe that’s just how they show up - guarded, reserved, not because of you, but because of life.
If only we paused before reacting.
If we had the space, clarity and courage to say,
“Hey, here’s what I noticed, and here’s what I meant to me. I’m off?”
Or before blurting something out, we led with,
“I want to share something. Here’s my intention. I’m feeling [x] and part of it is based on what I’m assuming [x]. Can we clarify it together before proceeding?”
Now that’s a real conversation.
Not a mental monologue.
Not mind-reading.
Just two humans showing up, honestly.
It’s not easy or fast. But it makes things go faster and keeps relationships real.
You stop living in a movie.
You start living in your actual life. Where people inner lives are just complex, unpredictable, not black and white and change often - just as your own.
Sonder
