You already know this: the same words can land in completely different ways. And it's not just the HOW you say it.
Often, sharing context matters even more.
Think about someone saying “Good job!”
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If you just nailed a tough presentation, you’ll hear it as genuine praise.
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If you just screw something up, or not sure - those same two words can sting.
Same phrase. Entirely different message.
BEHAVIORALLY-INFORMED COMMUNICATION
Something I'm learning from the Leadership Series done by FUSE.
Most of the time, our communication is ambiguous - especially when it leans into negative. Like constructive feedback.
We think we’re being clear when we give feedback, but the other person is often left to their own devices.
"Do they think I’m incompetent? Do they still believe in me? Do they even care? Am I about to lose my job? Did I just lose my face?"
This is important because it isn’t just about feelings. It’s about outcomes.
David Yeager and Carol Dweck, in their research on wise feedback, found that how feedback is framed can radically shift what people do next. Delivered the wrong way, people shut down, avoid risk, and shy away from challenges. Delivered the right way, they lean in, persist longer, and grow into their potential.
❌ Common feedback:
“You’ve been missing deadlines. You need to manage your time better.”
✅ Wise feedback:
“I’m sharing this because I know you can deliver at a high level, and deadlines are part of that standard. You’ve already shown you can manage complex projects. Let’s look at where bottlenecks come up and together build a system so you hit deadlines consistently so you could succeed a lot more in the future.”
Notice the difference? One feels like judgment. The other sets a high bar, affirms belief, and offers support.
❌ Common feedback:
“Your reports are too vague.”
✅ Wise feedback:
“I have high standards for clarity because these reports guide important decisions in our company. I know you can hit that bar - I’ve seen the way you structure ideas in meetings. Let’s apply that same clarity to your writing by using shorter paragraphs and bullet-pointed recommendations. I can help you build a plan to work on that, provide feedback if it's useful.”
Notice - it’s not softer. It’s more supportive.
The 4 ingredients of wise feedback
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Set a high bar: make it clear this work matters.
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Affirm belief: remind them they can reach that standard.
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Give actionable direction: show how to close the gap.
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Reassure support: you’re not just pointing flaws; you’re in it with them.
We often forget people don’t read our minds. They don’t automatically know our feedback comes from wanting them to succeed. They don’t assume we’re rooting for them.
We often forget that most of us default to self-doubt - and feedback becomes evidence of “not enough.”
And we often forget that we have the capacity to redirect those doubts - by framing our feedback as belief in someone’s potential, which changes what they do after our feedback.
This is leadership. This is teaching. This is parenting.
We’re not just pointing out what’s broken. We’re calling out what’s possible, letting them know we are here to support their growth.
Over to you dear reader, the next time you give feedback - will you leave someone doubting themselves, or will you leave them chasing higher standards with more confidence?
