The cause of most of your unhappiness? It’s in your head.
The best part: you can change it.
Not your circumstances. Not your past. Not other people.
Your beliefs and thoughts to keep.
In CBT, I learned this cool idea that changed how I think about life: it doesn’t matter what’s true about the world. What matters is what’s useful. Useful for adapting well. For living a life that feels good and goes somewhere you like.
This idea stopped my endless search for what’s right and what’s wrong — and started an experiment that transformed my inner life, inner peace, my wellbeing.
No extended meditation needed.
What if I just chose the beliefs that made my life work and feel better?🤔
Here are 3 that have done exactly that.
Not some bible gospel. Not exact science. Just what I’ve learned from peaceful, ambitious people, what they tend to live by.
1. The Happiness Formula
Happiness = Reality − Expectations.
I have Brad Stulberg, a high performance coach, best-selling author to thank for this one.
Think about the last time you got very frustrated — with yourself, with someone else, with how a day unfolded. Wasn’t it because something didn’t match what you expected? The outcome you’d scripted? The way you believed the person should have shown up?
Here’s what I learned: life doesn’t owe you a specific script, plan - nothing.
Nobody owes you sh*t, in fact. You are entitled to absolutely nothing.
Your expectations aren’t universal laws — they’re just your hopes. Not truth everyone should or want to live by.
Once I stopped expecting guarantees from life, the weather, or other people — and focused only on what I could actually control, my actions — everything else became lighter. Life became a pretty damn experience. Full of unexpected rainbows, dumb luck, rain, and yes, f*ckups. But when you keep moving forward, doing your best, grateful for the sheer fact of being alive today — you’ll have a good ride. No matter what.
And here’s the main bonus: when you stop expecting much, anything good becomes a cherry on top 🍒 of something already kind of mind-blowing.
So you feel like winning a lottery every day. Almost.
2. Satisficing
Herbert Simon, a Nobel Prize winning scientist came up with this brilliant idea. It combines “satisfy” and “suffice.” The idea: stop searching for the perfect solution and start searching for good enough.
I used to agonize over everything — the best idea, the best city to live in, the best possible partner, what book to read, where to eat dinner.
Hours. Gone.
And then you keep thinking, “What if I missed something better?”
Then Annie Duke’s work on decision-making opened my eyes and mind to something a lot more effective. 3 things she helped me see:
Most of what I’m agonizing over, I won’t remember in a week. Where to eat this weekend? Pick somewhere. You won’t remember it next weekend.
Most big, complex decisions — where to live, who to love — won’t unfold the way you imagine anyway. So set your deal-breakers, and when something clears them: choose. Your brain will never compute the “perfect” option. It doesn’t exist. And life tends to bring things together in the most beautiful way anyway, once you allow it to unfold.
When you leave your expectations at the door - most of life will feel like a cherry on top, no matter how it goes.
3. You are already doing your best
Seriously.
Right now, today, this moment — you are doing your best with the skills, knowledge, and experience you have. If you knew better, you’d do better. But you don’t. And that’s exactly why you’re here.
Yes, you can learn more. Build better skills. Make decisions that lead to better outcomes. That’s the whole point of the self work.
But right now — given everything that’s happened and every choice that’s led you here — you did your best.
So let it go.
Forgive yourself for imperfect choices, decisions, and actions.
We beat ourselves up against imaginary world standards. Standards nobody real lives by, in a world that doesn’t exist outside of your head.
You might as well forgive yourself for everything that came before and make the best possible move available to you right now.
That’s it. That’s the whole job.
I won’t claim these 3 beliefs will transform your life. I’m not selling certainty or more expectations.
I’m just the happiest I’ve ever been, living these out every day. Maybe they will be useful to you too.
Look at the beliefs and thoughts you choose to carry.
Is what’s in your head making you happy?