I used to argue with my dad a lot.
About how to live a good life.
About what I should be doing in my business.
About what he should be doing about his health.
It felt like we were on opposite sides.
Until I realized something simple:
We actually want the same thing.
He wants me to do well in life.
I want him to stay well for as long as possible.
Then, before each conversation, especially when things got heated, I started reminding myself of that.
We’re on the same team.
That small mental shift changed everything. Almost overnight.
Not because I changed his mind. (Or mine)
But because I changed my starting point.
I became more receptive. More curious. More willing to listen.
And when I listened better, my tone changed. The outcome changed. The relationship grew stronger.
In behavioral science, and in Presuasion by Robert Cialdini, this is called priming.
a psychological phenomenon where exposure to an initial stimulus (word, image, sound) unconsciously influences a person's response to a subsequent, related stimulus. Operating through implicit memory, it activates specific mental representations, shaping perceptions, behaviors, and decisions without conscious awareness.
Priming is the idea that what you are exposed to first shapes what comes next.
The first thought.
The first word.
The first action.
It influences what you see, how you interpret it, what you decide, and how you act, most often without you noticing it at all.
What you remind yourself of becomes your lens through which you see the rest🔎
At the coaching class yesterday we talked about Crucial Conversations, and how the first step to having a good, productive difficult conversation starts with shared purpose, with setting the intention to create more good. The goal isn’t to “win it” - it’s to create a better relationship. Just like it happened with my dad.
Not “How do I win this?”
But “What are we trying to build together?”
Once that intention is set, your behavior follows.
This works in coaching too.
The clients who transform the most are the ones who enter with a clear intention:
I’m here to learn.
I’m here to grow.
I’m willing to be uncomfortable.
I’m playing the long game.
They surprise themselves with how much they can change (and how fast).
The ones who struggle?
They never really pause to ask:
Why am I doing this?
What’s the deeper purpose?
What do I want this to mean?
What do I need to remind myself of daily to keep improving?
In agriculture, priming is soaking seeds before planting so they sprout stronger.
In humans, we miss this completely.
We focus on strategy.
On tactics.
On winning arguments.
On outcomes.
But we skip the mental warm-up.
The inner orientation.
The "seed treatment".
Over to you, dear reader,
Before your next hard conversation, your next negotiation, mentoring session, feedback or review, your next big decision —
what do you need to remind yourself of so you act from shared purpose and clear intention?
What seed do you need to pre-soak today for a better sprout tomorrow?
