“We told managers what to do, what works, AND they did worse than before we told them anything.”
That line is from a real-life case study on psychological safety at Nedbank in South Africa.
I’ve been coaching people for 18 years.
And one thing I’ve been obsessed with is this:
How do I make the best coaching ideas come out as if they were my clients’ ideas from the start?
Because if it doesn’t feel like their idea, the chances it’ll stick for life are tiny.
A 1970 Stanford study with children captured something interesting.
Researchers divided kids into 3 groups:
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Expected reward: Kids were told they’d get a reward for drawing.
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Unexpected reward: They weren’t told but got one after drawing.
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No reward: No promise, no prize.
What happened?
The “expected reward” group lost interest in drawing altogether after.
The others? Their enjoyment stayed the same.
When the reward became the goal, the joy vanished.
When the activity stayed freely chosen, the motivation stayed alive.
It’s like trying to make your cat sleep in the cozy bed you bought.
The more you try to make them stay, the more they resist.
The moment you stop caring - they just might climb in.
Humans are no different.
We need to feel free to choose.
Take that away, and even a good idea feels like a cage.
So if you want change that lasts:
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Co-create the course of action, let people drive the initiative.
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Offer choices, not commands. Give them a menu, not a single directive.
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Give yourself choices too. If you keep resisting your “have to do” list, give yourself choice - there are many paths to the same destination.
If you want compliance, directives might work.
If you want lasting change, there's nothing worse you can do.
PS: In behavioral science, this is called reactance - the psychological pushback that happens when people feel their freedom is being threatened. The moment someone feels cornered, their instinct is to resist, even if what’s being asked makes perfect sense and for their benefit, aligned with their goals.
