Yesterday, in the coaching class I’m taking, we were talking about motivation and willpower.
What they are. How they work. Where people struggle. And how to help clients struggle less.
We started with definitions.
If you define willpower as some mystical inner force, something you either “have” or “don’t have” in certain amounts - you aren't gonna get too far, trying to improve it.
You become a victim of your moods, your cravings, your momentary desires often.
And the person you want to become might be getting further away.
An actual definition:
Willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptation in order to reach long-term goals.
That’s it.
Nothing mystical.
No special personality trait.
Just a trainable mental skill.
And once you see it as a skill, it becomes something you can work on and improve.
Willpower isn’t something you’re universally good or bad at.
You’re better at it in some situations and worse in others.
Think about it.
You don’t randomly shout at coworkers, fight strangers, or lose control in meetings, even when you’re angry.
Social consequences matter. Negative effects in your life matter.
Yet many people are completely fine with making choices that slowly make them sick, having no accountability or immediate negative results.
Food. Sleep. Alcohol. Stress. Movement - you neglect it because there's no immediate pain.
Same person.
Different context.
Different level of practiced restraint.
Once you realize willpower is situational, and you can have more or less of it, depending on what you've "trained" - you can stop judging yourself and start working on your "willpower fitness".
Just like the gym:
If you want stronger legs, you don’t train biceps.
If you want willpower in a specific area of life, you train there.
In coaching, we teach clients different “moves”, exercises, that build willpower where it matters to them.
Some of them:
Intentional distraction
When an urge shows up, don’t fight it. Redirect attention until it passes.
Talk to someone. Go for a walk. Watch something absorbing.
Urges peak and fade - distract yourself for them to go away.
Sitting with discomfort
You can feel the urge and do nothing.
Like sore muscles after a hard workout, unpleasant, but livable.
Not every itch needs to be scratched. Meditation helps train this as well.
Eliminating triggers
Identify what reliably pulls you into the behavior you want less of.
Then ask: How can I reduce my exposure to this?
Willpower grows faster when the environment stops fighting you and starts supporting you.
Connecting to your why
Go beyond surface goals.
Link restraint to identity, values, and who you’re becoming.
Why does this matter for the person you want to be?
Notice → Name → Respond
Tune in.
What am I feeling?
Why might this be here?
What response would I be proud of, even if it’s hard now?
Accountability
Most things you do well already have accountability attached.
So create more of it for the things that matter.
Who’s your “accountant” for this habit?
Who are you doing this for besides yourself?
State changing
Change your biology and your mind follows.
Move. Shower. Breathe. Use music. Shift focus.
Your nervous system leads, your thoughts, emotions and urges follow.
This isn’t a full list.
It’s a menu of exercises. Just like those exercise videos on YouTube.
Willpower isn’t magic.
It’s a skill.
You build it one curl at a time. Just like your bicep.
It’s a set of dance moves you haven’t practiced on a dance floor yet.
Over to you, dear reader,
When you say, “I’m just not disciplined around X”, what would happen if you treated that area like a workout and committed to just one rep every day?
Because once you learn these moves in one domain, they transfer everywhere.
And that’s one of the core mindset skills of mastery for in health, leadership, work, and life.
