Daily Thought for Change

I used to have this strange little habit.
Whenever I was deep in thought, figuring things out, sitting still at my computer, I’d bite or pick my lip. Not a cute nibble, but a cranky, sometimes bleeding lip kind of habit.

I told myself to stop. Many times.

But I didn't.

Until I asked myself, If I were my own client, what would I suggest?
After all, I’ve spent 18 years practicing applied behavior science, coaching people across the world to change what they do to achieve their goals, helping leaders and teams change what their culture so they can change their impact.

What would I advise myself if I were my own coach here?

I’d start simple. Back to basics. Back to science.

Habits always follow a loop: Cue → Action → Reward.

The cue - what "launches an app", aka habit, in your brain. Just like a tap on your phone screen launches a program.
My cue had a couple of things - sitting down to work and starting to think, and feeling my lips were dry.

I couldn't change the sitting down to work part. But I could change something about the feeling and how convenient biting, picking the lip was.

So I would put on lip balm, even better a bright lipstick. Suddenly, biting my lip was messy and uncomfortable. The habit broke INSTANTLY. My lip has stayed intact ever since.

And this isn’t just my solo story. Research backs it.

In the book, Behavioral Science in the Wild, researchers reviewed dozens of real-world food studies. The biggest factor in healthy eating wasn’t knowledge, calorie labels, or “willpower”, your intent to eat healthy. It was convenience (making the better choice easier) and inconvenience (making the worse choice harder).

Think:

• Pineapple already cut up in the fridge vs. a whole one you have to peel.

• Ice cream hidden away in a plain freezer at the store where you have to go to vs. shiny packs at arm’s reach.

Convenience and inconvenience were the clear winners - 3X more powerful than knowledge, awareness, your intention.

We want to believe transformation comes from more willpower or more information, us getting smarter, better at closing the intention-action gap. But the science tells us a different story: your environment is the king.

That’s how I stopped biting my lip not by “trying harder,” but by tweaking the setup.

So over to you, dear reader.
What habit are you trying to stop, or start, or continue?
And is your environment/convenience working for you to make the right choice?

Our behaviors are what transform us - NOT our thinking.
Actions speak louder than words.
And as the saying goes, hell is paved with good intentions.

This month’s theme in my coaching sessions is Blindspotting (the new episode drops today on Change Wired with an expert guest on the subject).

One of my clients, a leader recently said,
“What surprised me in my assessment was that I wasn’t higher on Empathy. I do care about people a lot and try to match what I do with where they are.”

I replied,
“It might be something you pay attention to, but not something you lead with. When you speak up, do you usually share your ideas first, or do you ask what others think?”

He paused, 
“I usually express my ideas, and then I notice how people react, ask for their input. It's just often I'm asked to say what my take is”

“Try reversing it,” I suggested. “When people come to you for advice, start by asking what they’re thinking, what their solutions might be. See how the dynamic changes.”

You can’t develop future leaders unless you first spend time listening to them. And many leaders, who rose by speaking first never make the shift to listening first.

One tiny behavior, asking others to share their truth before you share yours, can ripple across entire organization. It grows empathy. It creates culture of listening first - not speaking up first. It grows trust. And it grows the next generation of leaders.

Thoughts don’t do that. Actions do.

Imagine if you told your kids how to do everything never giving them a chance to develop their own critical thinking, never having to try things to figure them out - that's how you get a whole generation waiting for answers VS getting out there and figuring out solutions.

Yes, change begins with awareness.
But it happens only through action. That’s what behavioral science helps us design for - behaviors, actions... change.

Over to you, dear leader:
What character or leadership quality do you want to grow this September? And what one small action will you commit to build it?

As Marshall Goldsmith says, “What got you here won’t get you there.”
I’d add: Your next level of leadership starts with changing what you DO now.

What makes things stick?

Do you have a passion project of your own?
Something you could dive into for hours with no reason other than pure curiosity?

For me, besides my obsession with the science of human behavior - what makes us tick, reach mastery, and unlock potential - I could happily disappear into food science.
How foods work in the body. The origin of chocolate. The history of inventions like bread and cheese. If I had a backup career, it would be as a food scientist designing human-health-amplifying foods. In my world, every food would be a superfood.

What’s your rabbit hole?

Curiosity is strange that way for me. It doesn’t need a reason. Sometimes it becomes a profession, sometimes a lifelong hobby, sometimes just something quirky to talk about at dinner parties.

But for the rest of the stuff:
Everything else in life - what we try to learn, change, or achieve - does need a reason. A bigger WHY.

I came up with this thought:

“Knowledge without engagement won’t stick.
Engagement without system won’t last.” ~ Yours truly

In a recent Hidden Brain episode, Shankar Vedantam spoke with neuroscientist, psychologist, educator and now author Mary Helen Immordino-Yang about why education so often fails. The reason? We put facts first and the WHY last.
That’s the exact opposite of how our brains actually learn.

And I’d argue the same thing happens in workplaces every day. Leaders push training, new processes, new behaviors - and then wonder why nothing sticks.

Short answer?
Because nobody cares!

They say in leadership communication, people don’t care about what you say, until they feel you care.

It seems like, caring, the state of being absorbed, alert, eager to learn explore and engage is the #1 step in the process in learning and without learning, without awareness, there’s no change in behavior and no results.

With my coaching clients who “lack willpower” to follow through on health habits, I don’t start with rules or checklists. I start with what they care about.

• Sleeping well → means energy to play with their kids, doing well at work, getting a promotion sooner.

• Eating well → means staying and looking sharp, getting respect and social status upgrade.

• Moving well → means independence in old age, adventures with friends, and being able to support your loved ones instead being the one needing support.

Behavior doesn’t stick until people see the connection between what they need to do and what they deeply care about.

It’s the same in leadership. In education. In culture change.

If knowledge comes without why, it slides off.
If behavior comes without care, it never roots.

In education knowledge won’t stick without the reason why, how can I apply this? Why should I care? How is it relevant to my life? 

Any behavior, anything YOU want to do, or you want to make others do, it won’t start sticking until you see, and help people see - what’s in it for me (I-motivation), and what’s the bigger picture (why it matters, we-motivation).

If you’re struggling to change, or struggling to engage your team, your family, your students, have you made the connection clear?

What’s the reason that matters so deeply, to you or to them, that it makes the effort worthwhile?

Compared to who?

Behavioral science has learned a tiny little secret that advanced self-development teachers have been telling us all along: what people do often depends less on the information they’re given, and more on who they notice doing what.

“If a person reading the information focuses more on the other people who do engage in the desired behavior and is motivated to join them, the intervention works. But if they notice those who don’t engage and feel licensed to slack off, the intervention can backfire. No one wants to feel like the sucker making an effort while everyone else takes the easy way out.”

It’s not so much what we see that matters. It’s who it makes us think about and how we feel about that person or group of people.

So think, read, watch more inspiring people who you can relate to - and you'll do more things you are proud of.

This plays out not only in the case of “who are my peers, mentors, and role models” level but also in the micro-moments that make up our daily lives.

When I visit my parents, I try to bring these micro-reminders into their routine about people they can relate to doing cool and healthy things. A new Instagram account with relatable older people staying active. A park with an outdoor gym where local elders gather each morning. A book or article showing people like them eating better, moving more, getting stronger.

Then I anchor it in something practical they can do every day to reaffirm this identity like a protein shake that tastes like ice cream. Every day they enjoy it, they’re reminded: strength matters and there are people like them doing it. Our daily phone calls keep this focus alive.

Focus is fragile. Focus is powerful.

Attention has never been under such attack for a “share.”

But we have a way out - becoming better designers of our focus. For ourselves, and for each other.

What we point toward matters.

What we make other people think about matters.

The words we use, the stories we share, the examples we highlight - they can tilt attention toward long-term good, or leave space for the opposite to creep in.

We can make someone see their strengths and because of that take another step forward. Or we can point to people's inadequacies and make them never want to try again.

Shaping focus isn’t easy. But it makes a difference. Drip by drip, the stone reshapes under gentle water.

In any moment, you have a choice: what will you focus on? what will you help others to focus on? The future is never a guarantee but if we help each other focus on our agency and our best intentions more often, chances are, the future is gonna be pretty damn remarkable.

Ask yourself: “What would I need to focus my mind on right now to do the thing my present-future self will thank me for?”

Even better question: "WHO do I need in my reference group, people I see, look up to and admire to have my focus where I want my efforts go?"

As Tony Robbins says, “Where your focus goes, your energy flows.” That’s the beginning of everything.

achi

Tiny travel motivators

When I travel, I have a preflight checklist.

Not for the plane. For me.

Like a pilot, I know my brain can’t always be trusted to make the best calls under pressure (or jet lag). So I build systems to support my best self. And even though hundreds of lives don't depend on my tiny travel preflight checklist - the most important life, my own, gets a tiny bit better.

My preflight list is simple:

• Still water

• Protein bars

• Fruit and supplements

That’s it. Nothing fancy. But it works every time.

When I woke up this morning, landing at Dubai airport, with the second night in a row on the plane in me - there was a 0.5L still water bottle staring at me from the pocket of the seat in front of me.

I didn't need to exercise my memory or willpower, try to make good decisions, or even think.
I just got what was in front of me.
No superpowers needed.

In the world where your brain is bombarded with an ever-increasing number of messages per minute, not including your own 40+ thoughts - staying focused on all the things your better, future self needs you to take care of is simply unrealistic.

For big or small stuff.
Whether it’s staying hydrated on a plane… or choosing where and with whom you’ll spend the next decade of your life.

The only way to stay effective is to design your own little motivators all around you. So that you don't end up overloading your cognitive capacity to think well with small stuff, and are able to make more choices your better, future self will thank you for.

When jet-lagged, or just going through another over-busy day.

Your own little motivators, defaults, and systems that make it easier to do the right thing, even when you’re tired, distracted, or bombarded with too many options.

As Nina Mazar and Dilip Soman put it in Behavioral Science in the Wild:

"...if there were Olympic medal for the most effective tool in behavioral economics, the clear winner would be decision defaults. Defaults define one option as the action to take unless the person selects a different course of action. In some settings, a major reason why defaults are effective is that many people don't make a decision and instead let the default occur."

And so the question of the day to put this into practice:

What one little motivator can you put in your path today to do the right thing, EVEN when it's the last thing on your mind?🤔

I noticed…

That’s one of my favorite ways to begin a coaching conversation.
“What did you notice since we last spoke?”

It’s a gentle entry point.
Not a demand for wins or losses. Not a spotlight on progress or failure. Just an invitation to pay attention.

Noticing is neutral.
It widens the filter instead of zeroing-in on something specific.
It allows you to see not only the big victories or the glaring mistakes but also the subtler signals: the tug of an idea, a shift in the mood, the flicker of a feeling that says something matters here.

I noticed (from clients' files)…

• that I wanted to start a conversation with a colleague but held back because I didn’t feel “successful” enough in that moment.

• that people at work stay quiet when I speak - I might be coming across too strongly.

• that when I’m tired, my food decisions get worse. I’d like to build more awareness in those moments.

“I noticed” captures the quiet voice of your values before judgment barges in, before the internal drill sergeant tells you "I told you so". It puts your wise mind—the bridge between heart and head—in the driver’s seat.

And what's even cooler, noticing doesn’t just change you. It changes the people around you.

Dr. Zach Mercurio, in The Power of Mattering, shares research showing that when leaders intentionally notice people - what they contribute, how they show up, the difference their presence makes - it measurably boosts engagement and belonging. One study he cites, "employees who feel genuinely noticed are 4.6 times more likely to feel empowered to do their best work".

Zach writes about a simple but profound example: a manager who made it a daily ritual to stop by one employee’s desk, point out a small but specific contribution, and thank them. The ripple effects were staggering. Productivity went up. Retention improved. But most importantly, people felt they mattered. And THAT changed everything.

Notice:

• A single sentence of observation repeated can strengthen a culture.

• A pattern of consistently noticing the subtle expressions of the whole you changes how you show up with no need for discipline or strong will.

So maybe becoming a better human(ity) isn’t about grand strategies or waiting for breakthrough moments. Maybe it’s as simple as one phrase, repeated often enough:

“I noticed...”

What would shift if you began today’s conversations - with yourself, your team, your partner - with those two words?

PS Story time (from The Power of Mattering): a CEO started a new practice, beginning leadership meetings with a ritual: before diving into metrics or issues, each person had to share something they noticed about a colleague’s contribution that week.
At first it felt forced. But over time, it became the most anticipated part of the meeting. People started looking for opportunities to notice each other during the week. The practice didn’t just boost morale, it improved collaboration and performance, because team members felt their efforts were seen, needed and valued.

Read this with me if you’ve never felt quite yourself when joining the “common sense” of the majority.

In business we’re told affiliation is everything. Join the right networks. Be part of the tribe. But the most original thinkers? They rarely belonged to a crowd. If anything, they built their own. Even if it's just in their head.

In New Scientist, psychiatrist Rami Kaminski introduces a term for people like this:

“Otroverts is the term I use for those who don’t feel the obligation to merge their identities with others. We are all born as otroverts, before the cultural conditioning of childhood cements our affiliations with various identities and groups.

When you don’t belong to any group, you aren’t subject to the group’s implicit rules or swayed by its influence. This confers two beneficial traits: originality and emotional independence.

Being outside the hive, so to speak, allows you to think and create freely: to come up with unique ideas, untainted by groupthink or by what has come before.”

If you’ve ever felt like a misfit because you don’t naturally “fit in,” and belonging doesn't ring a bell for you, maybe you’re not broken. Maybe you’re an otrovert.

And so if you do believe that you might be “one of us”, otroverts,

1. There’s nothing wrong with you. There’s a whole bunch of us. But since we aren’t driven my groups, don’t see us creating one anytime soon. 

2. If you are one of the otrovers - The upside: you might end up doing something remarkable, shaping the thinking and life of crowds you never joined, The downside: it comes with a cost of being a misfit, an outsider, of being not understood, of having more solo time and carving out your own path.

Otroverts.

Don’t unite 🙂

Embrace who you are.

The one who stands out and walks the untravelled path. More alone than together. The one who makes new paths for the rest to discover.

And if you live with, love, or lead an otrovert, don’t preach team-building, parties, or belonging. Connection, yes. But conformity? Not our thing.

That’s also why I never enjoyed “teamwork” unless I was in the coach’s seat. Teams need outsiders - people not blinded by the group’s opinions. Otroverts see what the hive can’t.

So if you’ve always felt like an outsider, ask yourself: are you willing to embrace it fully? To trade belonging for originality? To choose emotional independence over fitting in?

That’s the otrovert’s path. And maybe, it’s yours too?

The most salient motivator

I was asking: How do we create a better solution to spark lasting change - in ourselves, in clients, in workplace culture?

Claude, powered by some of the best thinkers, pointed out a few blind spots in my thinking before offering an answer.

• Who exactly are you trying to help right now?
  Because context changes the solution.

• Is it really behavior you need to change or what makes the behavior happen in the first place?

Like incentives. Like what gets praised, rewarded, celebrated. Or, as Matt Wallaert calls them, “pressures.”

That reminded me,
We don’t change behaviors directly. We change what makes those behaviors more desirable, rewarding, and available. And that changes what we do.

Humans are the ultimate adaptation machines. We’re plastic, always reshaping ourselves to maximize the useful things in our environment - we are designed to be shaped by what's around us. 

So how about we design for it?

Resistance to change might be simply misaligned incentives

What Claude made me think of:

If you want to change behavior in companies, start here:
Ask, “What makes the current behavior the best option for people? What am I incentivizing the most? Are our intentions for the future and current incentives aligned?”

And it’s tricky to figure out because you need to evaluate both the stated and the invisible incentives.

Example: if you shut down any project that doesn’t bring immediate results, without acknowledging learnings or rewarding long-term progress, rewarding the team who tried, you’re sending a loud signal. You’re saying: short-term KPIs matter more than the long-term view. Bye-bye innovation for the brighter future. We need deliverables now!

We know what humans are motivated by:

• Social status and praise

• Freedom to make choices

• Progress and mastery

• A sense of purpose

So every action we take as leaders needs to intentionally design for those motivators. What we say, who we promote, what we fund, who's in the meetings, what gets our attention.

Salience: the driver of your every action

“Humans and other animals have difficulty paying attention to more than one item simultaneously, so they are faced with the challenge of continuously integrating and prioritizing different bottom-up and top-down influences.”

Another thing that Claude made me think of - Present Bias. It's this feature of our brain to redirect our actions and our energy towards what seems the most important RIGHT NOW.

That’s why Priming matters. 

"The key aspect of priming is that it operates below the level of conscious awareness. You might not realize that your thoughts or behaviors are being influenced by something you were previously exposed to."

 And that what brings me to this - the most salient motivator at any given moment drives the majority of our actions. 

Which means the real work of change is designing the environment - physical spaces, words and communication, norms & defaults, defaults, technology, even who you surround yourself with.

Everything should remind you (and your people) of the things you want to be driven by.

That’s how we change what we do.
And what we do, over time, changes who we become. The culture of us.

---

My Thesis

The most powerful engine of change is not willpower.
It’s attention. Which we can easily redirect.

We can reshape automatic behaviors, and we can guide thoughtful decision-making - if we continuously bring our focused attention back to the things that drive the future we want.

---

Our job is simple, but not easy,
To become much better environment designers, fully aligned with the future we’re trying to grow into.

What’s one small environmental cue (that invisible incentive) you could design today to nudge yourself, or your team, toward the change you actually want?

Happy designing!

“Your authenticity, your messy beautiful humanity, your unique way of moving through the world—these aren’t flaws to fix. They’re the very things that make you irreplaceable. The world doesn’t need you to be perfect. It needs you to be present. It needs your particular kind of courage and your special way of seeing and solving problems.”

Before sitting down to interview the author of this upcoming book, I read their work, and this passage stopped me. It resonated with everything that drives me in life and work.

The idea that each of us is a piece of a much bigger puzzle. And that your piece, the exact shape of you, fits perfectly into a life that feels good to live. You don’t need to become someone else to build a meaningful life. You need to embrace who you already are.

Not in a lazy “anything goes” way, but in the authentic, truthful way that makes you proud of yourself. Not because of anyone else’s approval, but because it’s aligned with who you fundamentally are.

“Today, for the first time, I realized that my gentleness isn’t a weakness - it’s my superpower. I don’t have to choose between being successful and being me.”

When I read that line, my soul whispered back: “I choose to be me to be successful.”

That same week, I ended up in a conversation with a friend on LinkedIn. We were reacting to a post about how few “truly successful” LinkedIn accounts exist, even with all the tech, AI and tools available.
We both agreed and wondered: success depends on the measuring stick you use. So, which one do you use? Numbers isn't the only game. Not for an introvert anyway.

For me, success means embracing who I am rather than chasing someone else’s metrics, metrics I have no control over anyway. If you can’t live and express yourself in a way that feels true, then what is all of this for? At the end of the day, the real scoreboard is simple: Are you fulfilled? Are you proud of the way you lived today?

My personal mission has 2 parts:

1. To express and explore the depth of who I am and my unique contribution to something bigger.

2. To create opportunities for others to do the same.

The more I live by that, the more “successful” I feel. And if that doesn’t match someone else’s definition? So what?

Which brings me to this: before you pour your life’s most limited resource - time - into chasing someone's definition of success, pause and ask:

What does success mean to ME? And am I going after that, or someone else’s version of it?

People with a limited emotional vocabulary struggle to articulate their feelings. If you don’t have the words, you can’t express the feeling. Not reliably or consistently.
It’s like cooking - if you’ve never heard of “sous vide,” you probably won’t reach for it when planning dinner.

The same goes for meta-communication - something we discussed with Martin Dubin, author of Blindspotting (episode coming soon on Change Wired).

Meta-communication is communication about communication.
It’s the signal behind the signal - the part that says how to interpret the message. It can be verbal (“I’m telling you this because I care about your success”) or non-verbal (tone, facial expression, body language).

The difference it makes is huge.
“This presentation lacked technical depth. Please work on it more.”
vs.
“I’m giving you these comments because I have high standards for you, and I believe you can meet them.” - before saying your feedback.

One feels like criticism.
The other feels like an investment. Like teamwork - you are in it together

We often assume our words are enough. And they mean the same thing no matter who's hearing them.
Wrong.
The other person brings their own set of filters, assumptions, and histories to every exchange. Without meta-communication, your message might land somewhere you never intended. That's how relationships get broken for life.

Oftentimes, simply knowing about meta-communication, or sou vide, doesn’t make you good at it.

But what Blindspotting reminds us: “You can’t improve what you can’t see.”

So learning new concepts is the first step to getting better.

And that’s why blindspotting as a practice - spotting what you didn’t even know was there - is such a game-changer for leadership or communication or anything you want to improce. And it’s why coaching works: someone else helps you see what you’ve been failing to see.

The moment you name something, you gain the power to work with it.
The moment you see it, you can change it.

Now you know of meta-communication, are you doing it enough to be understood correctly to be effective collaborating, building relationships and leading?

PS Here's a 5-point meta-communication checklist to do it better now that you know of it. Checklists are powerful - they use them to land planes safely.