Daily Thought for Change

How much of what you do is actually your choice?

Look around you.
What’s within reach.
What’s in your room, your house, your work setup.
Your friends. Your community. Your culture. Your country.

Pretty much everything you do each day is shaped by that.

Apart from your DNA, your daily behavior is largely a byproduct of where you are and who you spend time with.

A reflection exercise from a coaching course I’m taking asked a simple question:

What behavior do you want to change this weekend?
and
What in your environment could you change to make that behavior easier?

So it’s visible.
Remembered.
Convenient.
Close.
Supported by people on a similar path.

I sat with it for a moment and realized: there wasn’t much to change, except one thing.
More proximity to mentors.
More people walking the same road.

Not much else. I engineered my life to lead me exactly where I want to go - from my fridge, to social media, to conversations I choose to have.

Like many of my clients before they start working with me, I used to believe that what I do each day is something I decide… each day.
Through willpower. Through effort. Through discipline. Through intention. Through goal-setting.

Trial, error, education later, and I learned something uncomfortable and freeing at the same time:

Most of our actions aren’t chosen in the moment.
They’re defaulted to based on what’s visible, convenient, and easy.

The brain is lazy first because what saves energy prolongs your life. (At least for the moment)

That’s why when clients ask me to help them change behavior, I almost never start with “the person.”
I start with what’s around them.

We look at their setup.
Their calendar.
Their cues.
Their friction points. Their social circle that they are empowered by or lose sleep over.

Very often, just doing the prep - creating time and reminders, removing obstacles, making the right thing easier - does all the hard work.

The habit sticks.
And then the habit shapes who you become.

High achievers often struggle with this the most.

They believe deeply in agency.
In making good decisions.
In pushing through.

They believe in their personal power. That’s how they got where they are. (At least that's the thinking)

And it often becomes their blind spot.

They rely on will instead of design. And expect others to act on this every day too.
But then the brain gets tired.
Life gets busy.
Emotions run hot.

And everything collapses back to default.

The solution?

Start with design, not will.

Over to you, dear reader,
What behavior are you trying to change right now?
And have you actually designed the support setting first?

PS: It’s ironic how willpower and discipline backfire when we use them everywhere, instead of saving them for when they really matter.

One of the coolest things I get to witness in my coaching is this moment:

People come in convinced the habits they want to change are too hard. They think they are hiring me for some discipline building.

Health.
Self-talk.
Communication.
Procrastination.
Decision-making.

They’re sure they’ll never be able to stick with what’s required to reach their goals. At least not on their own. They are convinced it's gonna be hard all the way through!

And then, step by step, skill by skill, habit by habit, we work our way up.

And suddenly:

• Working out daily feels normal.

• Going to bed on time feels obvious.

• Eating the “right thing” feels like… no work at all.

It’s like they’ve become a different person.
(Wink 😉 - because they kind of have.)

I’m going through rebuilding my sales system.

One of the most important lessons I’ve learned about sales is this:

You need to sell to the right people first - people who value what you offer, want it, and can comfortably pay a price that makes your offer sustainable for you.

For a long time, I was trying to sell to people for whom my price represented a huge percentage of their income.

Which meant I was effectively asking them to sacrifice too much - against rent, family, security, and a dozen other priorities.

Then something interesting happened.

I got a few clients where closing at my best prices took about 2 minutes.

Not because they wanted it more.
Not because my offer suddenly improved.

But because, for them, it wasn’t that much money.

If I ask you to pay $1,000 and you make $200,000 a month, that’s less than 1% of your income.
If you want it, you probably won’t blink twice.

No objections.
No discounts. No back and forth.

But if that same $1,000 is a third of your monthly income?
You’ll think a lot.
And it might still be a no, no matter how good the offer is.

The same dynamic shows up in habit change.

If someone already eats well most days, tightening things up to get a beach body doesn’t cost them much.
They don’t have to “pay” a high price in discomfort, identity change, or daily friction.

But if you’re just starting with nutrition?
That request is MASSIVE!

It’s not a tweak, it’s a full lifestyle overhaul.
And unless you’re ready for serious pain and sacrifice, it’s often too much to ask.

So:

• In sales, you either warm people up a lot… or you choose different people.

• In habits, you either warm yourself up… or you quit because it's "too hard".

Gradual change takes longer.
But it feels lighter. And that's why it lasts.

It stops feeling like sacrifice at all.

Over to you, dear reader,
Where are you asking too much, too fast, of yourself, turning a hill into an insurmountable mountain?

What would happen if you tried hiking the smaller hill first?

It was an intense, busier-than-usual week for me.

And taking the time to reflect on it is the only way I make sure I actually learn from it and get better, turning chaos into structure and ability to handle more.

I reflect so I can see:

• what worked really well and why — so I can keep it, do more of it, and reuse it in other parts of my life

• what didn’t work — where I, or the world, “failed” my expectations, so I can redesign systems, adjust my mindset or my decision-making process

• why I planned too much and did less

• why certain things took priority over what I intended to do

• how, even on the busiest day, I still supported my health

• how I followed up on commitments or communicated adjustments

• what helped me prioritize according to my values, not someone else’s urgency or my own moods

Without this kind of reflection, you and I just run in circles.

We hope that next time we’ll do better.
That next time we’ll be different.

And almost always, we’re not.

There are 2 main reasons why. Something I was reminded of while reading Permanence: Become the Person You Want to Be and Stay That Way by Lisa Broderick, who we'll have on Change Wired podcast soon.

First: planner–doer bias.
Your planning self assumes your doing self will feel exactly the same way, being in the exact same favorable situation to do the right thing.

Motivated.
Clear.
With time, energy, resources, and perfect recall of why this mattered.

That’s rarely true, isn't it?

Second: distractions and wrong triggers.
In the moment of action, your attention gets hijacked.

By circumstances.
By other people’s needs.
By Slack, social media, meetings, moods, and noise.

You get pulled away from what you value, and triggered into behaviors your best self would never choose.

The solution to both isn’t more willpower. Or a different self.

It’s better systems.

What works, both in coaching others and coaching yourself, is asking a different kind of question:

“How can I design my environment, my routines and rituals, my decision-making process, my reminders, my accountability, my fridge, so that the next time, the same me can succeed?”

Look at what went right.
What allowed you to succeed despite all odds?

That’s not luck.
That’s a system, whether intentional or accidental.

Learn from it.
Reuse it for the days, situations and moments when things go wrong.

Then look at what didn’t work.
Not to judge yourself but to feed-forward:

What can I put in place so I remember to do the right thing?

So energy, motivation, and accountability make the right action easier?
So my environment supports my better self, not the self I’m trying to outgrow?

And very often, as I was reminded in Permanence, all that’s needed to follow through is learning to consistently ask the right question at the right time:

“Did I do my best to set myself up to do the right thing?

Over to you, dear reader,

What if every morning this question popped up on your phone with your alarm, or looked at you from your home screen, or landed in your inbox, so you could honestly assess whether you did everything you could to help yourself win today?

PS "Did I do my best...?" - is the way to ask active questions to put focus on your efforts, not circumstances. This is the main tool of change from the book Permanence that helped hundreds of executives to evolve into better selves and stay that way.

Yesterday, in the coaching class I’m taking, we were talking about motivation and willpower.
What they are. How they work. Where people struggle. And how to help clients struggle less.

We started with definitions.

If you define willpower as some mystical inner force, something you either “have” or “don’t have” in certain amounts - you aren't gonna get too far, trying to improve it.
You become a victim of your moods, your cravings, your momentary desires often.

And the person you want to become might be getting further away.

An actual definition:

Willpower is the ability to resist short-term temptation in order to reach long-term goals.

That’s it.

Nothing mystical.
No special personality trait.
Just a trainable mental skill.

And once you see it as a skill, it becomes something you can work on and improve.

Willpower isn’t something you’re universally good or bad at.
You’re better at it in some situations and worse in others.

Think about it.

You don’t randomly shout at coworkers, fight strangers, or lose control in meetings, even when you’re angry.
Social consequences matter. Negative effects in your life matter.

Yet many people are completely fine with making choices that slowly make them sick, having no accountability or immediate negative results.
Food. Sleep. Alcohol. Stress. Movement - you neglect it because there's no immediate pain.

Same person.
Different context.
Different level of practiced restraint.

Once you realize willpower is situational, and you can have more or less of it, depending on what you've "trained" - you can stop judging yourself and start working on your "willpower fitness".

Just like the gym:
If you want stronger legs, you don’t train biceps.
If you want willpower in a specific area of life, you train there.

In coaching, we teach clients different “moves”, exercises, that build willpower where it matters to them.

Some of them:

Intentional distraction
When an urge shows up, don’t fight it. Redirect attention until it passes.
Talk to someone. Go for a walk. Watch something absorbing.
Urges peak and fade - distract yourself for them to go away.

Sitting with discomfort
You can feel the urge and do nothing.
Like sore muscles after a hard workout, unpleasant, but livable.
Not every itch needs to be scratched. Meditation helps train this as well.

Eliminating triggers
Identify what reliably pulls you into the behavior you want less of.
Then ask: How can I reduce my exposure to this?
Willpower grows faster when the environment stops fighting you and starts supporting you.

Connecting to your why
Go beyond surface goals.
Link restraint to identity, values, and who you’re becoming.
Why does this matter for the person you want to be?

Notice → Name → Respond
Tune in.
What am I feeling?
Why might this be here?
What response would I be proud of, even if it’s hard now?

Accountability
Most things you do well already have accountability attached.
So create more of it for the things that matter.
Who’s your “accountant” for this habit?
Who are you doing this for besides yourself?

State changing
Change your biology and your mind follows.
Move. Shower. Breathe. Use music. Shift focus.
Your nervous system leads, your thoughts, emotions and urges follow.

This isn’t a full list.
It’s a menu of exercises. Just like those exercise videos on YouTube.

Willpower isn’t magic.
It’s a skill.

You build it one curl at a time. Just like your bicep.

It’s a set of dance moves you haven’t practiced on a dance floor yet.

Over to you, dear reader,

When you say, “I’m just not disciplined around X”, what would happen if you treated that area like a workout and committed to just one rep every day?

Because once you learn these moves in one domain, they transfer everywhere.
And that’s one of the core mindset skills of mastery for in health, leadership, work, and life.

I ran a workshop for HR and people leaders yesterday.
It was called “Designed for Humans.”

The whole point was simple:
How do you design workplace interventions that actually last and produce measurable results,
instead of becoming another session people enjoy… and forget within a week.

We had 30+ people in the Teams room.

And several told me the same thing:
They showed up because of a last-minute reminder that I sent in our whatsapp group,
“Ah. Right. This matters. I should go.”

The host shared something interesting too.
For his own events, adding a last-minute “bait”, a reminder of why it’s worth showing up, cut no-shows from 60% to 30%.

Same event. Same people.
Different timing.

The Right Thing at the Right Time

One of the most influential executive coaches in the world, Marshall Goldsmith, has followed a simple ritual for years to stay focused on his goals.

He hired a coach to call him every day for 5 minutes.

No teaching. No advice.
Just a few “Engaging Questions,” like:

• Did I do my best to set clear goals today?

• Did I do my best to work toward them?

Not once a quarter.
Not at the end of the year.

Every day.

He made his priorities top of mind, right when they could still influence behavior.

In a Harvard Business Review article “To Change Company Culture, Start with One High-Impact Behavior,” the authors share how one organization they worked with improved gender balance in hiring.

Not by running more training.

But by doing this small thing.
Right before opening applications, managers watched a 7-minute video on bias in hiring.

Right message.
Right time.

That’s what changed decisions.

Robert Cialdini, the author of Influence, wrote an entire book about this: Pre-Suasion.

About how our decisions are heavily influenced by what’s most recent in our minds.
The closer something is to the moment of action, the stronger its pull.

I notice this tendency in myself all the time.

If I sign up for an event far in advance, there’s a good chance I won’t go.
Unless I’m reminded, right before, why it’s worth my time.

That's probably one of the biggest reasons why New Year’s resolutions fail.

You set them.
You feel motivated.
Then life happens and you forget.

If you reminded yourself daily why your goals matter to you - you’d see far more of them stick.

We often overcomplicate behavior change.

More content.
More workshops.
More motivation, some complex accountability or incentive systems.

When very often, the human brain just needs:
the right reminder, at the right time.

A reminder of not just WHAT but also why it matters.

Over to you, dear reader, where in your life could consistency improve with a meaningful, better-timed nudge?
And what’s one reminder you could put in place today, to make the right thing remembered?

Why do you need it?

The most important question if you want a human to do hard things.

I came across this in an Instagram post by Daniel Pink today.
It shared results from a 2-year intervention with 2,900 employees.

The company wanted higher performance.

They tested everything.
Perks. Benefits. Incentives. Different levers with different groups.
Randomized controlled trials - aka trying and measuring different things with different groups of people.

What worked best?

Not money.
Not perks.
Not shiny extras.

Reflection on personal purpose.

Why do you do what you do?
Why do you need it?
What’s in it for you?
What do you stand for?
What are you trying to become?

Low performance dropped by 50%.

Your brain is always running a cost–benefit analysis.
Every task. Every decision. Every moment of effort or avoidance.

And one of the biggest benefits your brain prioritizes that we almost never talk about:
staying aligned with who you believe you are at your core.

When your actions match your values, things feel lighter, easier, like less effort - you flow, even through the hardest "lift".
When they don’t, everything feels heavy, even simple tasks.

What I found to be a challenge is the notion that your values compete with each other often - you want the abs, but the cake now is very appealing too.

Rest vs growth.
Comfort vs getting better.
Short-term relief vs long-term identity.

What you do in any given moment depends on which value shows up in your brain first, what you are reminded of in the moment.

When people are prompted to think about their deeper values, about purpose rather than immediate discomfort or payoff, they think longer term.
And paradoxically, that helps them do more now.

Enough effort today to build a version of themselves they respect tomorrow.

Something I noticed years ago, working with leaders, entrepreneurs, and high performers:

There isn’t a single one who doesn’t have reminders of what truly matters to them.
Reflection rituals.
Questions they return to again and again.

Whether they’re leveling up their leadership, building a business, or finally taking care of their body after a decade of neglect - the starting point is always the same.

Not tactics.
Not plans.
Not discipline.

Why do you need it? - I would ask.

And not the surface-level answer.

I keep asking why.
Again and again.
Until we hit identity.
Until we hit values.

Because that’s what gives a self-growth journey roots deep enough to withstand the winds of life.

So, over to you dear reader,

Do you routinely reflect on your values to inspire yourself to do the hard work for growth?
And do you ask this question of the people you’re trying to grow?

PS I ran a 24-hour race this weekend. Do you know why I quit early? I didn't have a big enough why to push aka I didn't care.

You don’t really own a skill, a habit, or a mindset until you can use it on a tough day.

A client of mine is going through a rough career transition.

On our regular weekly session, he shared something small but remarkable.

He’d received bad news some days ago.
The kind that usually sends your mind spinning at night.

Instead of locking it inside and trying to sleep through it, he took out his journal and wrote.

Before bed.

He slept well.
Not perfectly but noticeably better than on other nights when his mind raced in every possible direction.

He also did something else that mattered.

He focused on what he could control.

Exercise.
Nutrition.
Time with friends.
Working on his next steps.
Thinking through future direction.

It’s still tough.
Nothing is magically “fixed.”

But he’s moving forward.
Proud of himself, steadier, a little stronger with every step.

When my clients come to me after a really busy week, unable to do what we’ve learned, I know that it’s NOT the time to work on THEM it’s time to work on the tools that will help the next busy time to go better.

The tools.
The systems.
The habits.
The why.

Because the biggest growth, and the most meaningful rewards, don’t come from doing the right thing when it’s easy.

Not when you have all the time.
Energy.
Motivation.

They come from doing it when it’s hard.
When you’re tired.
Busy.
Over it.

And you still do the thing.

Not because of discipline but because you’ve built systems that support you, habits that carry you, and a clear enough why to keep moving.

Over to you dear reader,

On your toughest days, what do you default to?

Is it moving you forward, toward growth, toward the future version of you you’re trying to build?

One of the most undervalued skills for emotional peace and stress resilience:
control the controllables.

This morning I woke up in a new apartment I’m staying in temporarily for the next 2–3 weeks.
Somewhere during the night, half the electrical sockets in the house stopped working.

It was Monday.
I had a full schedule of work and clients.
I work from home.

No tea.
Fridge not working.
No idea who to call at 7am in a place I don’t know yet.

Here’s what allowed me to get to work, calmly, in about 20 minutes.

I asked myself 2 simple questions.

1. What’s the actual problem?
Instead of panicking, I tested things.
Turned out only the kitchen side was down. Likely a circuit issue.
The rest of the house, including Wi-Fi and my office, was working just fine.

2. What’s in my control that fixes what matters most right now?
I didn’t need to solve everything.
I needed to:

• keep the fridge running

• get some coffee

• inform someone who could help later

So I grabbed I ordered an extender, plugged in the fridge, messaged the host, and got to work.

No emotional spiraling.
No wondering why this happened to ME.
No trying to fix the whole system because I couldn't.

I did what I could.
I controlled the controllables.
And I went back to writing with a story to write :)

Many leaders come to me to learn exactly this skill.

Rich Diviney, amazing writer, former Navy SEAL commander, now leadership trainer who I got to work with calls it compartmentalization:
the ability to focus fully where you’re effective, and let go once you’ve done what you can.

It’s the same skill you need when:

• the fires never stop (entrepreneurship, parenting, leadership)

• and you still want to sleep well at night

• without carrying unfinished problems into your body and mind

You don’t win by fixing everything.
You win by fixing the right thing, controlling the controllables, then switching off.

Over to you dear reader,

When something goes wrong, can you identify what actually matters, act where you have control, and let the rest wait?

Or do you stay mentally plugged in long after there’s nothing more you can do?

It’s not one thing.
And it requires you to master many things before it clicks and you can actually do it.

Sales.

A client of mine shared how, even with his successful companies, they never really mastered sales.

They built a great product.
They grew through their network.
And for a while, that was enough.

But to grow further, it wasn’t anymore.

“We just need to get out there. Sell. And learn as we go what works for us.”

I’ve taken a few courses on sales now and have been practicing it deliberately for a while. And what I learned surprised me, even though it shouldn’t have.

Sales, like most complex skills in life, is not one thing.

Before it clicks, you need to work on many sub-skills:

• figuring out who to sell to and what problem you solve

• qualifying

• earning attention with the right hooks

• listening and making sense of real needs (not what you think everyone needs)

• problem framing and insight creation

• value articulation

• objection handling

• decision facilitation

• negotiating

• closing

• following up

Once you get pretty good at all of them, the system starts to click.

One isn’t enough.

Health.

Health isn’t one thing either.

Another client shared during reflection how he used to think exercise was just “doing it.”

And that’s exactly why he couldn’t.

Then, through our work together, he realized exercise is also:

• going to bed on time

• managing your day, time, and workload so training has a fair chance to happen

• making it simple and easy to start, even on the hardest day

• being clear on why you’re doing it and what your ultimate goal is

• learning to pace yourself

• working on consistency on the unmotivated days and creating accountability

• knowing the actual movements so you don’t get injured

• ...

Once you get pretty good at all of those, exercise almost can’t help but happen.

Most people chunk it into one thing.
That’s why it feels like an unliftable boulder.

It’s like trying to squat 100kg with no prior training.
It’s not that it’s impossible.
It’s that it requires many skills before you get there.

I used to get frustrated with myself for not “getting it” in business.
It started to feel like some kind of impossible magic was happening✨

Then I started learning from the right people.
I realized it wasn’t magic at all.

It was a range of sub-skills.

I started working on them one by one.
And things began to move.
Not perfect.
But moving.

Over to you, dear reader,
What feels like an impossible skill right now, and which one sub-skill could you start training this week?

Choose your hard. With purpose.

I just came back from a 24-hour team race.
I spent the night on the track, and stopped 12 hours in, along with another teammate. Two guys kept going.

I wasn’t exhausted or tired.
I didn’t even push myself that hard.
And I realized something uncomfortable and freeing at the same time.

I didn’t care enough to push.

Not because I’m weak. Not because I couldn’t. Not because I don't have the willpower to do the things I don't enjoy much.
But because this wasn’t a challenge I wanted to suffer for.

And that’s okay.

The team didn’t need me for their journey either - so I quit.

We carry this strange badge of honor in our culture:
“If you start, you must finish.” Grit and all.

So we:

• Stay in relationships that no longer fulfill us

• Stay in jobs that drain us

• Keep pushing projects that don’t bring out our best or progress and growth

• Stay loyal to diets, plans, identities that clearly aren’t working for OUR life

• ...

We push the boulder up the wrong mountain, proudly repeating:
“Winners never quit.”

Correction.
Winners don’t quit on the RIGHT thing.

The real skill isn’t grit at all costs.
It’s self-awareness.
Knowing what deserves your grit.

A client of mine was choosing between 2 jobs to support herself while building her business:

• One was easier, closer to home, lower potential for income

• The other was more complex, demanding but with more upside as well in the future

I asked her one question:
“Is this the hard you want to add to your life while working on what you actually want?”

It was clear for her what to choose.
She already had enough hard reserved for her right thing.

A new friend of mine recently quit his marketing job to build his own business. He said:

“I realized that to get to the next level there, I’d have to work harder, and I didn’t care enough to do that.
Everything meaningful is hard. So I chose the hard that leads me where I want to go.”

And that's the whole point.

Life will be hard ANY way.
Effort is non-negotiable.
Discomfort is guaranteed.

The only real choice you get is where you spend it.

So, over to you dear reader,

What’s one “hard” in your life that you’re tolerating but wouldn’t choose again if you were100% true to yourself?

Name it in the comments. Or, at least, just for yourself.