Daily Thought for Change

“We told managers what to do, what works, AND they did worse than before we told them anything.”
That line is from a real-life case study on psychological safety at Nedbank in South Africa.

I’ve been coaching people for 18 years.
And one thing I’ve been obsessed with is this:
How do I make the best coaching ideas come out as if they were my clients’ ideas from the start?

Because if it doesn’t feel like their idea, the chances it’ll stick for life are tiny.

A 1970 Stanford study with children captured something interesting.
Researchers divided kids into 3 groups:

• Expected reward: Kids were told they’d get a reward for drawing.

• Unexpected reward: They weren’t told but got one after drawing.

• No reward: No promise, no prize.

What happened?
The “expected reward” group lost interest in drawing altogether after.
The others? Their enjoyment stayed the same.

When the reward became the goal, the joy vanished.
When the activity stayed freely chosen, the motivation stayed alive.

It’s like trying to make your cat sleep in the cozy bed you bought.
The more you try to make them stay, the more they resist.
The moment you stop caring - they just might climb in.

Humans are no different.
We need to feel free to choose.
Take that away, and even a good idea feels like a cage.

So if you want change that lasts:

• Co-create the course of action, let people drive the initiative.

• Offer choices, not commands. Give them a menu, not a single directive.

• Give yourself choices too. If you keep resisting your “have to do” list, give yourself choice - there are many paths to the same destination.

If you want compliance, directives might work.
If you want lasting change, there's nothing worse you can do.

PS: In behavioral science, this is called reactance - the psychological pushback that happens when people feel their freedom is being threatened. The moment someone feels cornered, their instinct is to resist, even if what’s being asked makes perfect sense and for their benefit, aligned with their goals.

Scheduling your week in a way that feels purposeful and fulfilling instead of busy and overwhelming?
A skill.

Learning to talk to yourself, and to others in a way that motivates to improve and try again, instead of defensiveness?
A skill.

Writing offers people want to say yes to?
A skill.

Asking questions that make people rethink their assumptions instead of protecting the status quo?
A skill.

Eating enough protein so you’re not hungry for everything else?
A skill.

Going to bed at a consistent time, even when demands and distractions, your non-stop thoughts are pulling you into action?
A skill.

Staying calm and composed when things start flying around you?
A skill.

Focusing on what you can influence instead of what frustrates you?
A skill.

Giving feedback that strengthens relationships instead of triggering fear?
A skill.

Regulating your emotions so they fuel your growth instead of sabotaging it?
A skill.

Making balanced, strategic decisions instead of biased, reactive ones?
A skill.

Placing yourself in environments - people, media, places - that bring out your best?
A skill.

Choosing long-term fulfillment over short-term gratification?
A skill.

Handling pressure so it brings out your best instead of burning you out?
A skill.

Speaking clearly and confidently in front of others?
A skill.

Bringing an unpopular truth to the table?
A skill.

Paying attention to what truly makes you feel and perform better?
A skill.

Choosing challenge over comfort and a familiar path?
A skill.

Drinking water, walking enough steps, building better relationships, leading with curiosity instead of doubt - 
all skills.

...

So many things we take as fixed: how people are, how work is done, how we market, lead, eat, rest, sell, love - they aren’t fixed at all!

They’re our habits. Society, mind, market habits. Patterns that have simply repeated long enough to look like immovable truth.

The real challenge ahead of us isn’t just learning new things.
It’s daring to unlearn what no longer serves us.

Outside the laws of physics, almost everything is changeable. Including you.
And if a better alternative exists, why not consider it?

It won’t change overnight.
But like any skill, with small daily reps, it will.
And one day, what once felt unnatural becomes your new normal.

Over to you dear reader, how many things can you count today that aren’t working, yet you (or people around you) keep doing them simply because it’s always been this way?

PS Breaking old habits is considered to be more challenging than learning new ones. The first step is learning to see the whole pattern - the trigger/the action/the reward. Before you can break it - you need to understand why and how it happens.

I’ve been writing a daily blog for 550 days straight. 1 per day.
I’ve been writing consistently for at least 10 years - I started my blog on Medium in 2015.

I’ve been coaching for at least 5,664 days. Even longer, unofficially, since school.
I’ve been meditating for 9,131 days, since I was 13.
I’ve been in the gym every week for 25 years, except for the two or three weeks I was recovering from a motorbike accident.
My Kindle says I’ve been reading for 365 weeks in a row.
And I just celebrated a 300-day streak on Duolingo.

I might not know everything about everything.
But I could teach the world a thing or two about how habits stick.

Here’s the first lesson.

Just like a new kitchen gadget, a habit needs the right place to be used and appreciated - a permanent corner on your counter, the one that's convenient but also out of the way for the rest of your cooking to flow.

There’s a difference between something you do for a day and something you plan to do for the rest of your life.

A short-term habit can sit on the counter, like an ice-cream or a waffle maker you pull out on holidays or over some weekends.
But a lifelong habit needs more of a fixed, easy-to-reach spot, like the kettle you grab every morning without thinking.

So as a new month unfolds, and you’d like to stick with some new routine - at work or at home, ask yourself, is this like my waffle maker I use once on Christmas? Or is it something I plan to stick with for life?

If it’s the latter, are you giving it seamless space that fits into your day like a good cup of coffee?

I stopped paying attention to fashion and grooming. I became smarter, happier, with more money to spend on what matters.

"Where you direct your attention affects what you deem to be important.
You can't control what you feel is important, but you can control where you direct your attention, and thereby hack yourself into changing your priorities."

We’re often careful about where we spend our money.
We’re often careless about where we spend our time.

Even though we can always make more money but we can never make more time.

Every month I like to do this simple but powerful exercise, myself and with my clients.
It’s called time budgeting.

Tim Ferriss gave me the idea. Tim once shared how he chose his first successfully sold business.
He looked at his bank statement to see where most of his spending went, he noticed a pattern: he'd spend diproportionate amount of free income on performance supplements.
That’s where his actual, genuine interest, passion, and experience were.
So he built a business around it, and sold it a few years later.

Time budgeting works the similar way.
It shows what you’re truly committed to developing and becoming - not through your intentions, but through what actually matters - your actions.

Here’s how it works:

Step 1. Look at your goals from last week, month, or quarter, or the whole year.
Step 2. Recall how you actually spent your time and why.
Step 3. Compare. Adjust.

Are you where you meant to be? Or has your calendar quietly voted for another destination?

Einstein supposedly said,

“Doing the same thing and expecting different results is the definition of insanity.”

Are you living your version of insane life?

If you spend your time the same way, you’ll keep getting the same results.

Your business won’t evolve.
Your relationships won’t deepen.
Your energy, fitness, health won’t improve.

If something is working - keep it.
If not, start investing your time budget differently. Just like you'd spend your money differently to improve your wealth.

And remember: the day is still 24 hours long.

To create something new, something else must go.
That’s where the question helps:
What do you want MOST, if you could only have one?

So here we are, November 1st, two months till 2026.
Are you happy with how you’ve invested your time so far?
Are you getting the returns you hoped for?

Or is it time to change up your investment portfolio?

Yesterday, a client told me they were a bit exhausted by their goals, they felt they were spinning their wheels, not moving much.

In high-performance mindset coaching, there’s one skill we train over and over again:
focusing on what we can control, instead of getting frustrated, pressured, or drained by what we can’t.

Sometimes we get tired. And often we get tired of the battle we don't need to fight.

What is within your control, and what isn’t? Sometimes those lines blur.
That’s where many ambitious leaders I’ve worked with end up carrying stress they don’t need to, the baggage they don't need to carry to fly to their next destination.

Here’s a quick exercise that might help you to travel lighter and feel more energized pursuing hard things.

I asked ChatGPT to come up with pairs from different areas of life that illustrate this contrast between what’s worth your full attention and effort, and what’s worth letting go.

🌱 Personal Growth & Performance

• Process you follow VS Results you get
  (You can show up to train every day. You can’t control the exact timeline of results.)

• Habits VS Goals
  (You can design a daily writing habit. You can’t force your book to become a bestseller.)

• Progress VS Winning
  (You can improve your 5K pace. You can’t control who finishes first.)

• Preparation VS Luck
  (You can prepare your pitch. You can’t control if the investor is in a good mood.)

• Curiosity VS Certainty
  (You can stay open to learning. You can’t guarantee everything will make sense yet.)

• Systems VS Willpower
  (You can build systems that make good choices easier. You can’t rely on willpower to always be strong.)

🏋️‍♀️ Effort & Mastery

• Effort VS Outcome
  (You can give your best in a presentation. You can’t control who applauds.)

• Practice VS Perfection
  (You can rehearse. You can’t remove all mistakes.)

• Consistency VS Intensity
  (You can take a step forward every day. You can’t know if today you'll hit your PB.)

• Consistent Action VS Motivation
  (You can act even when uninspired. You can’t hope for inspiration to strike on your time.)

• Focus of Resources VS Speed of Execution
  (You can prioritize one meaningful project. You can’t say how much time will excellence take.)

💬 Relationships & Communication

• How you show up VS How others respond
  (You can listen fully. You can’t make them agree.)

• Speaking clearly VS Being understood
  (You can express your truth. You can’t ensure it’s interpreted the way you mean.)

• Authenticity VS Approval
  (You can be honest. You can’t guarantee applause.)

• Boundaries VS Reactions
  (You can say no respectfully. You can’t control their disappointment.)

• Tone VS Interpretation
  (You can choose kindness. You can’t choose how someone takes it.)

💼 Work & Leadership

• Clarity VS Control
  (You can clarify direction. You can’t control what everyone does with it.)

• Decision quality VS Outcome certainty
  (You can make the best call with the data you have. You can’t control the market’s response.)

• Prioritization VS Busyness
  (You can choose what matters. You can’t always control how much work it'll actually take.)

• Leading by example VS Being liked
  (You can embody your values. You can’t make everyone comfortable.)

• Accountability VS Blame
  (You can own your part. You can’t rewrite it's taken.)

🧘 Resilience & Wellbeing

• Response VS Trigger
  (You can pause and choose your next action. You can’t stop life from testing you.)

• Perspective VS Circumstance
  (You can reframe the story. You can’t always change the facts.)

• Routine VS Motivation
  (You can wake up and walk. You can’t hope to always feel ready.)

• Rest VS Exhaustion
  (You can schedule recovery. You can’t always control life's demands.)

• Gratitude VS Entitlement
  (You can notice what’s working. You can’t control what’s missing.)

🧩 Creative / Strategic Thinking

• Experiments VS Expectations
  (You can test your ideas. You can’t guarantee the exact outcome.)

• Iteration VS Excellence
  (You can release version one and get better. You can’t hope to excel without messy attempts.)

• Feedback VS Validation
  (You can invite feedback. You can’t demand praise.)

• Testing hypotheses VS Guarantee of result
  (You can learn fast. You can’t remove uncertainty.)

• Adaptation VS Control
  (You can pivot. You can’t freeze the world in place.)

When working toward long goals or through hard challenges, myself or with clients, I often return to 2 grounding questions:

1. Are we focused on what’s in our 100% control?

2. Are we making progress toward what truly matters?

That’s how you stay in the growth zone long-term - challenged, not goal-burned-out.

Every habit, every new intention you fail to do fails for 1 of three simple, boring reasons - I've coached hundreds of people for 18 years and I'm yet to see the exception. 

Systems. Structure. Schedule.

1. Systems: Make it simple to do the right thing.

Have you made the right thing the simplest thing?
Are your healthy meals as effortless as your snacks, ready to grab the moment hunger strikes? Work-free? Immediate? Right there?
Can you work out in your pajamas at home?
Is giving feedback built right into your tools, meetings formats, or review forms, so it’s as natural as breathing? 

Even better, have you made it the default? So it happens automatically unless you actively opt out?

2. Structure: Make it clear how it has to be done.

Is the process so obvious that there’s zero question about how to do it?
What exactly happens during your workout? What’s your go-to plan for the afternoon slump?
What does “good feedback” look like, step by step? What's your feedback checklist?

Even better, document it. Create your personal SOPs. Future-you will make you proud.

3. Schedule: Make it on time.

When does it happen? How often? Is it on your calendar, with reminders that fit your day, your flow not someone else’s?

Do you treat it as a non-negotiable, or as something you’ll “get to” when life finally calms down?
What’s your backup plan when the day goes off-script (as it always does)?

Even better, define the trigger that starts the action. Tie it to something already in your day: brushing your teeth, closing your laptop, finishing your coffee, finishing a stand-up or presentation, or a call.

It took me longer to write this than it’ll take you to design systems, structure, and schedule for anything that truly matters.
And it will make all the difference between another good intention, and a habit that actually sticks.

Have you tried the Triple-S approach? Why not?

I have a checklist for every key relationship in my life.

Every morning I leave a short message to my family to wish everyone a good day.
Sometimes I feel like it. Sometimes it feels fake.
And I still do it, because, just like exercise, if you show up every day, whether you feel like it or not, whether you are faking enthusiasm or not - results happen.
Fitness. Or deeper, lasting, nourishing connections - routine works.

Do you think less of pilots or surgeons because they use checklists to do their work?
Probably not.
Because in situations where the outcome is life or death, falling through the cracks of human memory isn’t an option.

So they use checklists to make sure everything that needs to happen for the best outcome happens consistently.

What I’ve learned in coaching and in managing complex projects is that while most things aren’t life or death, they do matter.
And when something matters, I’d rather not rely on my memory alone.

People who make things happen consistently aren’t those with the best memory.
They’re the ones who build systems so nothing important slips through.

Like checklists.

My brain works well, sometimes too well for its own good. I’ve grown a little sloppy relying on it.
But as my life and work get more complex, I realize this isn’t the time to “train my brain.”
It’s the time to build better systems.

Over to you, dear reader,
What checklist, or system, could stop your important things from falling through the cracks?
What would make your airplane take off and land smoothly, every time?

Surgeons and the entire operating room team use a surgical safety checklist, such as the one developed by the World Health Organization (WHO), to improve patient safety. These checklists are used at key points, including before anesthesia is given, before the incision, and before the patient leaves the operating room. They are designed to reduce complications and mortality by ensuring critical steps are followed, improving teamwork, and enhancing communication among the staff.

2 kinds of tax on your pleasures.

Nothing you enjoy in life comes for free.

And there are 2 kinds of “not free”,
the one you pay upfront, and the one you pay after.

During a recent weekly client review, I asked:
- So, what helped you be moderate in your choices? (Moderation has been a challenge)

Enjoying just one small glass of wine instead of a bottle,
tasting all the food you love in bites, not plates and second helpings,
and going to bed after one short episode, not the whole season?

He paused to think,
I was more conscious of the fact that I’ll have to pay for it later -
not feeling fresh, needing to catch up on work,
restricting food more, pushing harder in workouts…

- So you thought about that poor future-you who has to deal with the consequences of the pleasures your present self overindulged in?

Exactly.

There it is.
The 2 taxes of life.

You can pay now through effort, discipline, courage.
The workouts. The extra mile at work.Choosing honest conversations that lead to deeper relationships.
Or you can pay later through fatigue and pain, regret, health issues, disconnection, and lost time, lost confidence, lost self-respect.

I noticed, that people who live well have one thing in common - 
they’ve learned how to share the load between their present and future selves.
Even better, when they learn to enjoy the work that pays dividends.

They’ve built a life that feels more like a tax paradise, reaping the abundant fruits of their labor, that feels more like a play, paying little to no tax at all in the future.

One commitment I made to myself sometime in my mid-30s that I remind myself of every day:
Never live your today so that you dread an unpleasant tomorrow.

And another to go with it - 
If you want to make tomorrow a masterpiece, you must master today.

Over to you, dear reader, what are some things you do that increase your tax on tomorrow? What can you do today to make tomorrow tax-free?

One of our favorite questions in my coaching school, especially when a client digs their heels in defending old habits that feel like part of their identity.

“I’m just an all-or-nothing person.”
“I’m not a good sleeper. I’d rather do something than waste time in bed.”
“I’m not into exercise. I have more important things to do.”

How is it working for you?

Because if you’re genuinely happy with the results, there’s no need to change.
But if there’s even a whisper of doubt, if you sense that your “way” might be holding you back, that’s the door cracking open to the possibility of better and growth.

This question isn’t just for coaching.

It’s a good way to help people consider change of thinking, of habits, even of who we think we are. 

It also is a really good way to help people adopt new technology, change their default ways of working, or consider a different world view.

I had a chat with my sister recently.
She didn’t want to switch to Max, the new messaging app replacing WhatsApp in Russia.

“I don’t like being forced,” she said. “They’re probably spying on people."

But the government isn’t changing their course any time soon, and she might end up cut off from better communication with her friends, colleagues, and family (most of us have already switched).

So, at the end of the day, who's winning?

Or: is it working for you?

That question, quietly and persistently, invites us to examine where our “old tricks” stop serving us, and where they start blocking our better selves and our better future.

So, over to you, dear reader,
Look at who you’re used to being - what you’re used to thinking, feeling, and doing.
Is it working for what you truly want in life, or are you fighting an unnecessary battle?